totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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