"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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