There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
