Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
