I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
