It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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