It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
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got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
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My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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