I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
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