she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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