i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
