I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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