i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
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We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
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It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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