omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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