True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
