We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
