im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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