I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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