I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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