So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
FUCK WHALES
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
