drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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