Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
