the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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