my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
