im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
