the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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