Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
