I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
