The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
no you cant smoke seaweed
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
