So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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