wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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