my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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