Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
