he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
