I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
