Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
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What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
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They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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