I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
