remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
