saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
