Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
