i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
