I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
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I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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