I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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