I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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