guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
