mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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