JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
