just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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