i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
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I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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