Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
