Can Purell be used as lube?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
