FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
