Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
