I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
